Growing Old
by ChuckCharles
Summary: Things are as usual Patsy&Eddy are chain smoking,Champagne glugging,drug taking wanna'be socialites and are back in the house living with Saffy, Jane and Saffy's other daughter Emelie,it's never boring in the Monsoon household.
1. Chapter 1

**I Love AbFab and this was written last year.**

**Since the last episode where Saffy threw Eddy out after she hit Jane, nothing much has changed. Eddy is back in the house living with Saffy, Jane and Saffy's other daughter Emelie (from another relationship which will be explained in due course, who is about a 2 years younger than Jane). **

**Things are as usual, Patsy and Eddy are chain smoking, Champagne glugging, drug taking wanna'be socialites, Saffy is her usual sensible self, Bubble is still…Bubble and Gran is still alive and kicking, but with the 3****rd**** generation thrown into the mix things were and definitely never will be boring in the Monsoon household.**

**Some inspiration is taken from the already brilliantly written lines of Jennifer Saunders and the characters and back story are Jennifer Saunders' epic creations. Although the idea is mine **

**Chapter 1 - Mum**

'Mummy...? Mummy...? Mummy?'

"What..?" Edina grunted her head buried deep within her pillow.

"Mummy…"

Turning her head to the left, Edina took in her 3 year old daughter Saffron stood, 'Hello darling... what time is it?' she yawned stretching out into a starfish, the quality of the stretch returning her eyes to their previously closed state.

'Mum.'

Edina opened her eyes, 'Saf? How did you grow so fast..?' She asked the now preteen Saffy.

'Mum!'

Looking to her left Edina took in the Saffy she knew best, the polyester jumper wearing teenager.

'What's happening? Sweetie..?' Turning her head away in confusion she saw.

'Mum.' Saffy said as she pulled baby Jane onto her hip.

'No sweetie...Stop...' Edina covered her eyes with her hands.

'Mum!'

'I don't want to look...'

'Mum!'

'No...no!'

'Mum!'

'What...?' Removing her hands from her eyes Edina gasped at a Saffy holding young Jane's hand and toddler Emelie on her hip.

'No...no...no! Stop it Saf.' Edina commanded burying her dishevelled head into her hands.

'Mum!'

'I'm not looking… I'm not looking…' Edina told herself, clasping her hands over her eyes.

'Mum!'

'No…No…'

'Mum.'

Rolling her head in a circle, Edina wept tearlessly to herself, separating her fingers that covered her eyes. Saffy stood with her two teenage girls, all of whom looked at Edina, Jane dressed like her mother frumpy clothes that only a nun would like, her hair tossed up into a bun on top of her head. 'Why are you doing this to me darling..?' Edina asked pounding her fists into the bed, "are you trying to torture me…?" There was no reply just a smile, overcoming both Saffy and Jane's faces, "Oh do you get some entertainment from this sweetheart… hmm… what cat got your tongue? Well sweetie…? Emelie sweetie…' Emelie looked up her curly dark chestnut hair tumbling around her doll like face, her big green-blue eyes widening. 'Why are they doing this…?' Emelie looked to her right, glancing over her mother and sister before shrugging at Edina. 'Make them stop sweetie…' Edina pleaded grasping the bed sheets up into her face.

'Mum….'

'What!' Edina screamed looking up one final time, to see Saffy with two teenage girls. 'Stop it! Stop it right now…' Covering her ears and squeezing her eyes shut tightly, trying to bloke out the echoing nightmare world.

"MUM!"


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 –Nothing Changes

"Mum!"

"Stop it!" Edina awoke shouting, jolting up right arms flailing around her. Batting her eyes Edina took in her surroundings. She was in bed, in her comfortable safe bed. "Oh thank god, just a nightmare, just a nightmare…" Breathing a sigh of relief she flopped back onto her own 'Tracey Emin' bed, hand held to her chest, feeling the thud of her overly beating heart.

"Mum!" Saffy's voice called from outside the door.

"Stop saying that! Stop saying that word!"

The door swung violently on its hinges revealing Saffron, "Your car has been beeping-its-horn outside for an hour, you're going to be late for work_ again_." Sitting up in bed, Eddy blinked away the last trace of sleep, not taking in a word of Saffy's incoherent babbled ranting. "For god sake, look at this…how can you live in here?" Saffy asked the question completely rhetorical, the room was filthy, there were piles of clothes and rubbish piled to waist height, empty champagne bottles arranged into a pyramid in the fair left corner. "You're worse than the girls, look at this…" Picking up a t-shirt covered in purple stains, "there are half eaten sandwiches and empty bottles combined with clean clothes mixed with dirty clothes, piles of soiled…"

"Not soiled…" Edina pulled a face of contempt, at her straight laced child, 'why is she so…sensible…' Eddy asked herself, 'what have I done to deserve this punishment this early in the morning?'

"Well they aren't clean…I don't even know what this is…" Saffy held up some kind of dress, tossing it aside with disgust. Rolling her eyes Edina leaned over to her nightstand reaching out for her dear friend, Bolli.

"Darling…"

BANG! Spinning on her heel, Saffy saw her mother was no longer in bed. "That cured one of the many tasks of the morning…"

"SAF!" Edina shouted from the floor, her tone muffled, "Saf! Help mama!" Saffy rolled her eyes, 'here we go…' tip toeing through piles of human lavish and gluttony. Looking down at the side of the bed she found Edina, spread eagled in a pile of knickers, a pair covering her face. "Saffron…!"

"These better be clean…" Saf said bending over and taking the knickers off her mother face, throwing the knickers aside as she straightened, "One day I'm going to come in here and find you suffocated to death by these."

"Well don't just leave me here…" Edina flailed her arms and legs.

Rolling her head round in exasperation, Saffy sighed. "Give me your hands." Edina clasped Saffron's hands with considerable forced, almost making her tumble, "watch it…" Saffy pulled with all her might, no help coming from the offending party. "You've got to push with your legs…I can't do it if you don't help…"

"I don't feel good darling…" Edina pouted; she hated manual work first thing on a Monday morning. Getting Eddy to her feet, Saffy pushed her mother onto the bed with force, the impact making Eddy face plant and bounce. "Oh… don't worry I'm fine…" Rubbing her noise, she sulked into the covers as she ungracefully clambered onto the bed.

"After the state you were in last night, I'm surprised you're not in a coma…" Saffy bit, her tone dripping in contempt, the only time Saffy really liked her mother was when she was unconscious.

"I wasn't drunk last night." Lifting her head off the bed, the room began to spin.

"I'm guessing you don't remember bringing the dwarf home?"

Eddy's eyes widened, her tone deadpan, "No…"

"You came in ever so excited because he'd told you he'd introduce you to Willy Wonka." Saffy said plonking a pile of clothes on the end of the bed.

Eddy laughed nervously, "I don't remember that sweetie."

"Well I do…" Saffy said, tossing folded clothes into a pile of their own.

"Well I do…" Edina mimicked, "Are you sure you didn't dream it?"

Saffy looked at her mother with great confusion, "Because my dreams usually consist of you bringing home dwarves, you mean?"

"No. I imagine you dream of nothing that interesting." Eddy stared at her daughter before holding out her arms, "Saf…" shuffling forward on the bed, "Come to me… Saffy sweetheart, come listen to mama's dream…"

"What?" Throwing things into neat piles, Saffy looked at her mother

"I dreamt about you growing up…" Edina said light heartedly, her tone not mirroring her facial expression of dissatisfaction, "Sweetheart will you stop doing that… I'm trying to have a serious conversation with you here…" Saffy's eyes flicked up from the pile, "thank you. I dreamt of you sweetheart, you and me… You were shouting at me… Mum… Mum…one minute you were a baby in my arms," Eddy cradled her arms, "next minute you were a toddler and then and then sweetie," clambering to her knees, "you had two yourself, toddlers that is…" Eddy second guessed her clarity.

"You dreamt of me?" Saffy asked a slight smile gracing the corner of her mouth as she sat on the bed next to her mother.

"Yes sweetie…" She said smiling at her daughter, tapping her hand in some kind of affection, "It was bloody terrifying" Saffy's eyes narrowed as she jumped to her feet leaving her mother alone on the bed again. "You were shouting at me darling… and the rapid growth, it was like, something out of one of those horror films. It was like watching the omen, the exorcist and the others all rolled into one." Edina nodded her head, a realisation overtaking her. "Actually…I should write this down, quite a good idea for a film this darling... god knows it made Jack Sholder a couple of million." Taking her iPhone from her bedside table Eddy tapped at the screen, "Good morning Siri…"

"Good afternoon Edina…" The phones voice greeted.

"Afternoon..? Is it the afternoon already…? Yes, well Siri remind me to write down my new idea for an Omen child exorcist cross over film thing… later."

"At what time would you like me to remind you?" The phone asked.

"Give it an hour..."

"Very well Edina, I shall remind you in one hour to write your omen child, exorcist film cross over idea..."

Edina smiled jovially, tossing her phone onto the bedsheets, "Good this isn't it sweetie…? All the mod cons for me…all the mod cons this. Siri… My little voice in the phone darling can and will remind me to do anything sweetie, I could tell it to remind me to go to the toilet and it will…"

"Just another thing for you to drive mad with your constant needs and procrastination."

"I resent that…" Edina's eyebrow grew in height, her daughter's negative energy flowing into her, "Lots of negative energy coming off you sweetheart, you should see someone about that…" Saffy ignored her, "ring eee, nottom, ring eee, nottom…" Edina chanted, "I know a man…"

"No."

"He's very good…"

"No."

Edina pursed her lips, "Peace and light darling, peace and light… Anyway we were talking about _my _dream." Edina sigh melodramatically, "It was terrifying darling. It felt like as you all grew, my life force was depleting, it made me feel…feel…ool…" Edina retched as though the next words made her nauseous.

"Old?" Saffy asked, the dig sending a shot of serotonin to her brain.

Edina took a sharp breath of air, "YES! Old! Ok, old, old sweetie. My life force is dimming, my rose like beauty is withering, and soon I shall cease to exist. Look, look…"Edina pointed a red manicured finger at her eyes, "WRINKLES! Everywhere…" Saffy rolled her eyes, "Don't roll your eyes at me, this is serious Saffron. You were born old, you deserve wrinkles but me I was born young at heart, a free spirit but you wouldn't understand… You're not…"

"Old?" Saffy added with a smirk.

"Me." Edina's eyebrows furrowed into her nose, "Next thing you know I'll be festering in actual soiled underwear in a nursing home that smells like death and piss, growing a moustache…"

"That's already happened…" Saffy said.

Eddy dug around under the covers, pulling out a mirror and staring at her top lip with great attention, "No it hasn't. No it hasn't darling."

"Only because you wax it off…"

"It's a pre-emptive measure."

"Mum you've gone through the menopause."

"Still going thank you…" Edina winced at the statement.

"Things are going to change with all the hormonal imbalance, your hair may begin to lose its pigment and thickness, your skin may lose the collagen and some hair may even grow places it has never dared grow before but this is you we're talking about. In the overly indulgent world of Edina Monsoon there are people that can add, dye, pump and pluck away all the unwanted stuff and there's even a con man or two that if you pay the right price will rebirth you into your youth whilst still looking like a woman over a certain age; but as I told you yesterday and the day before that and the months before that, aging is the natural process of getting older, deal with it."

"But I don't want to deal with it. I don't want to be old! I don't want to be a tea drinking old woman sat in watching 'Cash in the Attic' and 'Dickinson's real deal' with that over grown cheeto taking control of the helm, whilst wearing one of those blankets with arms and hideous slippers, with little people running round my feet calling me…Gr…gr..gran. I don't want that sweetie! I want parties and glamour, 5 stars, jetset… I want my life."

Saffy rolled her eyes, "Then do what you want…it's not like anyone can stop you. The only thing in your way is you. These days you're too lazy to live your own life…"

"It's not laziness, it's not laziness… its movement dyslexia darling…" Edina fluffed her hair with her hand, "No sooner do I move in one direction my brain takes me off in another entirely, I'm scattered darling... I'm always trying, always trying to keep up with the beat of the fashionista socialista stiletto clicks on both sides of the Atlantic Ocean and I am failing sweetie. Between everything, radio shows, podcasts, tv programs, blogs, vlogs, mags… bloody my,face, and the like I'm in this constant whirl wind of social pressure…" Edina sighed, looking at her daughter who couldn't grasp the idea of popularity if it jumped up and shagged her, "But of course, you wouldn't understand that would you…hmm? Hmm?" Saffy shrugged she'd stopped listening to her mother's rant when she'd compared the function of a dyslexic's brain to that of her own vain, idiotic one.

"In the grand scheme of things mum, none of those things matter."

"Of course they do…"

"Have you ever thought of giving something up?"

Batting her eyes, Edina's face contorted into a look of confusion, "What do you mean?"

"Well, why do you need all those things in your life? The blogs and vlogs and…" Saffy questioned.

"Because darling, they are the best form of self representation and publicity… It's PR. That's my job, I PR things, it's my job to publicise myself."

"Because people really care that Edina Monsoon is considering the pros of a wrap dress in comparison to shift." Saffy said, her tone saturating her words with sarcasm.

"It's all important…" Edina folded her arms across her chest, "answer me this sweetie, if I don't publicise myself, how would people know I'm here to publicise them…?"

"Do as you want, as you always do. I don't care."

"I will…" Eddy sulked back into her pillows like a child, a silence falling between them, "Just thrust in your knife of cruelty and add to my misery, it's not like I might just need a tiny winy, incy wincy bit of support." She forced sobbing noises flopping forward onto the bed, "ouch!" hitting her head on the empty bottles beneath the covers.

"_Mum?"_ A voice called from downstairs.

"SHUT UP!" Edina shouted, that world vexing her greatly.

"Upstairs!" Saffy shouted back, hearing footsteps scale the staircases as she finished her word.

"Who is that?"

"Jane…"

Lifting her head from the sheets, Edina looked at her daughter with confusion, "Who?"

"Jane."

"You say that like I should know…" Edina said throwing her hands in the air backward whilst still laying on her front.

"Lola…" Saffy said despondently as she turned to her open door a waiting in imminent arrival of her eldest daughter from her first marriage to John, her first love apart from Donny Osmond.

"Mum have you seen my calculator?" Jane asked bounding through the door.

"It's in the kitchen…" Saffy smiled at her eldest daughter with pride, Jane was nineteen and studying at Oxford, "Do you have a test?"

Jane looked over at the bed where her grandmother lay motionless; face down in the unsanitary bed, "What's the matter with her...?" Jane looked at her mother.

"She's just in the middle of a later life crisis…"

"I am here you know…" Edina said loudly pushing herself upright.

"Yes unfortunately you are." Jane muttered under her breath, like her mother she found Edina (or Gran as she pleasurably called her) to be some kind of a drain on their lives.

"Argh!" Edina recoiled in terror scrunching the sheets up into herself, staring at the girl from her nightmare, "You... Be gone!"

"What is the matter with you?" Saffy glowered at her mother, displeasure making her face contort into an odd expression as she watched Edina shovel pills down her throat. "Ignore her, she's on a come down…"

"No I am not, I had one drink… It, this is a panic attack, a panic attack because the people in my nightmare are multiplying into my waking reality. " Edina waved her arms around herself wanting to emphasise her state of supposed panic, "The only way this could get any worse would be if through that door walked Vanessa Phelps, Kerry Katona and or the cast of TOWIE…"

"TOWIE?" Jane looked at her mother, who shrugged.

"The-Only-Way-Is-Essex…" Saffy and Jane exchanged a look of puzzlement, "You don't know…" Edina's mouth fell open, "Where have you been? They're the most fabulously retarded human beings on the planet. God… don't you read magazines…" Edina lounged back into the headboard.

"Yes I do, but not the ones where the picture writing ratio is 90% photos, 10% smutty uneducated word vomit." Jane smiled smugly.

"Oooo… Roll out of bed the wrong side did we." Edina folded her arms over her chest, "What are you doing in my…"

"Hovel?"

Edina pursed her lips in displeasure, "my place of solace…" Putting a cigarette in her mouth, Edina lit it taking several breathes of soothing nicotine, "Who are you anyway?"

"Jane…" Jane said, Edina shrugged, the name meaning nothing to her.

"Jane, my eldest child… Your grandchild!" Saffy looked at Edina shrugging, "Lola…"

"Oh… that Jane…" Edina chagrined.

Sliding an arm around her daughter's shoulders, Saffy pulled Jane into a side hug, "Don't take it personally, she probably doesn't even remember her own name right now." Jolting upright, Edina opened her mouth wide, the words of her protest disappearing from her head as she realised, she couldn't remember her own name. "See…" Saffy smiled sweetly, brushed a stray curl behind her daughter's ear, "so do you have a test?"

"My first algebraic combinatorics test…"

"Ooo, that's exciting…" Saffy smiled widely, Jane along with her younger sister Emelie were her pride and joy, Saffy prided herself on bringing them up normally, with routine and the rights and wrongs of life. At least as much that could be taught whilst living in the Monsoon household.

"It is exciting… There's never a dull moment with Archaeology and Anthropology…" Jane smiled brightly.

"Sounds as exciting as a stroke…" Edina muttered, chuckling at her own comment.

"If you haven't got anything nice to say don't say anything…" Saffy scolded flicking her eyes to her mother, "get up, sober up and get to work…"

"_I get tired and upset__, __And I'm trying to care a little less__, __When I google I only get depressed__, __I was taught to dodge those issues__, __I was told__,__Don't worry, there's no doubt__, __There's always something to cry about__,__When you're stuck in an angry crowd__,__They don't think what they say__,__Before they open their mouth" _Emelie sang pleasantly as she bounced through and over pile of clean and dirty laundry, completely unaware that her mother and sister were standing behind the door she'd just entered through.

"She's from my dream too…" Edina said looking at Saffy with cautious eyes as the imposing youngster drew nearer she focused her eyes on the girls face. "Oh…its Emelie sweetie, I remember it's just little Emmy." Eddy liked her youngest grand-child, Emmy was the daughter Eddy had always wanted a fun loving, young bohemian fashionista, Eddy wanted to be her.

"Hi…" Removing an earphone from her ear Emelie blissfully unaware of her mother's presence behind the door began digging through her bag, "taken anything?" Eddy threw the little container into Emmy's hand, "how many?"

"Two…" Eddy confessed, her tone mirroring a naughty child caught out.

Fizz… gulg gulg gulg. "Water… One of these…" Emelie thrust the glass of Perrier into Edina's left hand placing the little blue pill in her right hand. "Two of these" Eddy looked at the water with dismay, she hated water, it was bland and tasteless, "just imagine its Boli…" Emily smiled sweetly as she watched the water leave the glass, "and this one…"

"Shoot…" Edina opened her mouth wide.

Focusing her aim, Emmy squinted her right eye, "One. Two. Three..." Throwing the pill it landed on Eddy's tongue, "DONG!"

"Was that dong?" Eddy asked laughing as she watched Emelie celebrate to herself.

"Indeed it was… Got to keep you regulated, I don't want to come home and find an MA meeting in the lounge again."

"Never again darling, not after the mess they made."

"Never again do I want to have to clean up another woman's giggle piss." Emelie shivered at the memory.

"Well I couldn't help it darling I…" Edina stopped mid sentence considering her words carefully, she'd regretted not sitting on a bin liner as she'd made the others do, "I told them to sit on the bin bags but did they listen…?"

Sliding backward off the bed, Emelie stood up a look of distaste crossing over her face, "I bet it was Catriona, I don't know why but she looks the sort… Patsy told me she wears nappies…" Emelie shrugged, "Anyway…I've got to go cancel my nutritionist, same time tomorrow."

"Emelie…Hug! Hug Emmy…" Extending her arms out like a needy child towards their mother, Edina pouted her lips, "I haven't had one this morning sweetie."

"Squishy hug?" Emelie scrunched her nose up, raising her shoulders up around ear level an action Edina mirrored, jumping back onto the bed, Emelie wrapped her arms around one Eddy with some vigour, both chuckling as they swayed back and forth within the embrace. "Nothing like a hug to leech out all the emotional turmoil within…but alas this cannot last…" Emelie pulled away.

"Sweetheart…" Edina ran her hand down her grandchild's arm, "Can you cancel my personal trainer?"

"No…"

"But sweetheart he shouts at me…"

"He shouts at me too… normally in Swedish so I don't understand a word he says, but I doubt they could be used in polite conversation." Emelie said taking her hair out of bun on top of her head, letting it ripple and cascade down her back.

"He's Danish…" Edina corrected, a confused looking Emelie, "Danish, I thought he look like Troels Hartmann from the Killing..."

"You fancied him you mean?" Emelie's eyebrows danced mischievously.

"No darling… I'm past those kinds of things…"

Emelie's eyes widened, "You're so not, last week you were salivating at the sight of Jeremy Kyle." Leaping off the bed Emelie turning away from bed.

"No I wasn't!"

"You were but you're not dead Eddy, you're entitled to fancy who you fancy." Emelie comforted hurdling over a pile of clothes jovially.

"Good Morning Emelie." Saffy called from her hidden place behind the door, her words greeted with a scream, as she watched her daughter topple backward over a pile.

Bang!

"I'm ok… MUM!" Emelie yelled, her legs now the only visible part of her, "how long have you been there?"

"The whole time..." Saffy said climbing through the debris of her mother's life.

"Oh that's great…" Emelie's legs fell limply over the pile of clothes, "oh ouch, there's something under… argh…" the legs fidgeted awkwardly, "oh hey…"

'_BOP IT! TWIST IT! FLICK IT! Ohhh….!'_

"Bop it…" Emelie thrust the devise upward.

"Oh gimme…" Edina said excitedly, body flopping on the bed, "throw it, I can't reach…"

"You'd have to move actually move to do that…" Jane sneered, folding her arms over her chest.

"When did she arrive?" Emelie asked tossing the 'Bop it!' in the general direction of the bed, she felt somewhat alarmed by her sister's voice. Sitting upright, Emelie grimaced at her sister's presence.

_Bop it! Twist it! Flick it! OOOO….!_

As much as they were bounded by maternal DNA, Jane and Emelie were enemies, they couldn't have been any less alike if they tried, their mother putting their differences down to the simple fact they had different fathers. John Johnson Saffy's first husband whom she'd met whilst working as an aid worker in Africa was father to Jane; and Alexander Darcy, Irish born South African, Saffy's fiancé of 17 years was father to Emelie, whom Saffy had met in Johannesburg after she'd travelled there to divorce John.

The truth being, the girls were complete opposites. Emelie was the ideal mix of Edina and Saffy in both personality and looks, she bore the statement Monsoon features her cheekbones high, her dimples deep; she had her mother's eyes of green blue aquatic beauty and her mother's sense of right and wrong, care and responsibility. From Edina she gained her straight nose and her red tinted brown curly hair, along with her free spirited nature and love of beautiful, her only uncommon Monsoon trait being her father's Irish ancestry infused alabaster complexion. Although, Jane too bore similarities her maternal matriarchs, not all of them good, Jane had gained mainly the bad bits when it came to personality; like Edina she was selfish, manipulative and self obsessed and like her mother she tended to be judgemental and bossy. Like her sister Jane was a pretty girl, her cheekbones were high and her dimples deep, her eyes were like her mother's but deep hazel in colour, her hair was curly and her African heritage gave her skin had a naturally beautiful golden glow.

Jane's eyebrows danced maliciously, "We just saw everything you did…" she smiled wickedly.

"I gave her, her Meno-pills, it's not like I'm popping her tabs of ecstasy…" Emelie rolled her eyes, flopping backward to the floor once more.

Standing still Saffy glared at Edina, although she knew Emelie was like her mother in some ways she didn't want her learning the A-Z of drugs, "Mum…"

"What darling…?" Edina cried expecting a lecture; "she's hardly a paper chaser is she, hmmm…? I don't teach her these things, she's a smart kid… it's all on TV anyway," Saffy's eyebrow grew in height, "look sweet heart unless the 'A' in MA stands for class A darling you have nothing to worry about… but we could live in hope…" Edina muttered looking away from Saffy whose eyebrows now furrowed deep into her nose out of concern for her child, "who knows, might liven up the weekly meetings of the dried up, crusty, overheated minge worshippers…"

"Mum! Don't use that language in front of the girls…" Saffy chided.

Edina shrugged, rolling her eyes, "they've heard it all before…"

"I haven't…" Jane assured.

"Liar…" Emelie coughed, rolling backward until she was kneeling, "Eddy half your wardrobes here…"

"That's the throwing out pile, none of it fits… plus I don't like it… its all last season." Eddy batted a hand through the air.

"Some of these still have tags on…" Saffy said picking up a Gucci jacket, "why do you buy them if you never intend to wear them?"

"Because I do darling, but then something new comes along and well, that may as well have never existed."

Digging through the pile Emelie began pulling out stuff she liked, "You're not throwing you Cartier watch are you?"

"Which one?"

"White gold, diamonds…"

"WHAT? NO!" Edina said horrified, "I've been wondering where that was…"

"That's why you need to sort this Eds… You could be throwing out things you really want to keep…" Emelie said disappearing into the mass mountains of clothing that surrounded her.

"But it takes soooo long!" Edina whined, blowing her lips in dissatisfaction.

"I'll help you…" Emelie popped up a Sombrero atop her head. "It'll be fun we could have a fashion show…" Edina smiled widely; Emmy always knew how to make the best out of a bad situation. "What's this?" Emelie stood suddenly, "Omg… Omg!"

"What is it?" Saffy asked moving ever closer to her daughter.

"Oh my god!"

"What is it?" Eddy asked sitting upright, Emelie's alarmed nature capturing her attention. "What's there sweetie?"

Removing her hand from her mouth, Emelie mouthed noiseless words.

"Spit it out idiot…" Jane rolled her eyes.

"There's a hand…" Emelie looked at her family, her eyes a mix of confusion and disgust. "There's a hand in the knicker pile…"


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3 –Small Surprise

"What?" Saffy asked, her tone as alarmed as her body language as she sped to Emelie's side.

"It's attached to an arm…" Emelie recoiled.

"What else would it be attached to? Idiot…" Jane spat, rolling her eyes at her sister's statement.

"Shut up Jane." Emily said throwing a pillow in the general direction of her sister.

"Will you two stop arguing?" Saffy scolded, "I need to think…" Staring at the hand Saffy's mind boggled to the poor soul who'd suffocated under her mother's knickers. 'Oh god what are we going to do?' She asked herself, her nerves fraying more and more by the second.

"Did you kill someone?" Emelie asked her grandmother who now stood beside her, looking on at the lifeless hand.

"Not to my recollection …" Last night was a fuzzy partially black blur, but surely she, Edina Monsoon would have remembered killing someone.

"How much can you actually remember of last night?

Edina shrugged, 'Not much… good night sweetie…" Bumping shoulder's with Emelie, a wicked smirk gracing her face.

"How can you possibly know that it was a good night if you can't remember it?" Jane asked smugly, folding her arms over her chest.

Throwing her hand on her hip in a defensive motion, Edina's eyes narrowed as she looked at the second generation of bloody, buggery badgery girl, "It's because I can't remember that proves it was a good night."

"The hand's so small…" Saffy knelt down beside it looking at it intensely for any sign of life.

"Well, what, who is it darling?" Edina asked innocently, poking Saffy in the back of her head to gain her full attention.

"How am I meant to know?"

"You know everything!" Edina looked at Emelie, mouthing silently, _"Or so she makes out…" _

"Imagine actually being suffocated to death by a pair of these." Jane kicked another pile of knickers that were near her feet.

"Did you check for a pulse?" Saffy questioned.

"I didn't check…" Emelie said quietly, Saffy rolling her eyes, "I'm sorry mum but surprisingly I was otherwise occupied by the shock of finding a body in the giant pile of granny knickers." Looking immediately to her right she smiled at Edina, "No offense…"

"None taken sweetie…" Eddie smiled.

Crouching down in front of the mysterious hand, Saffy took a deep breath, hoping above all hopes to find a pulse in the seemingly lifeless body part. Reaching out her hand Saffy aimed for the wrist, her fingers shivering with building anxiety.

"Why is the pile moving?" Jane asked her tone more alarmed than normal.

"It's just your imagination; this has been a shock to the system." Saffy said laying her hand the wrist it felt no bigger than one of her children's when they were around nine or ten.

Shuffle. Shuffle.

"No mum Jane's right the pile's moving…" Emelie told her mother who looked up immediately.

"How can it be moving?" Edina asked, batting her eyes in her usual confused expression, "piles don't just…ARGH!"

….

"ARGH!" The generations screamed, Eddy's initial scream a catalytic reaction of all reactions to the larger hand that had thrust its way out of the largest pile further toward the door.

"What the hell is that?" Jane asked clinging to the door side been stood behind, her tone much more alarmed than it had ever been. Casting her eyes up from the new hand which waved frantically, she took in the other three women who clung together in a tight horrified embrace.

"It's like night of the living dead." Emelie muttered, her jaw held relatively still by the two other head's leaning in against it. "As lovely as this is, starting to find it hard to breathe…" Emily flicked her eyes left and right, her two matriarchs letting her loose immediately.

"At least this one has a manicure…" Eddy pointed, noticing her daughter roll her eyes, "What? I can't help but admire. That's good craftsmanship sweetheart."

"_Eddy, Eddy, Eddy, Eddy…" _A voice said faintly. _"Eddy! Eddy! Eddy!"_

Eddy span on the spot the faint voice sounding a lot like, "Patsy?"

"You were right…" Saffy smiled at her youngest child, "definitely a zombie."

"Eddy!" Patsy shouted faintly. "EDDY!"

"Pats?" Edina scrambled over the piles before, stumbling ungainly as she went, "I'm coming Pats!" Grabbing hold of Patsy's hand, Eddy pulled with all her might, "Emmy… help sweetie..." Leaping over the piles Emelie wrapped her arms around Edina's waste. "Pull Emmy, pull." Pulling with all their might, a dishevelled bouffant Patsy arose from among the debris of Edina's closet. "You all right sweetie..?" Edina asked removing the g-string atop Patsy's head, gazing at her dazed friend.

"Eddy?"

"Pats…"

Patsy looked around her confused, her expression that of a traumatised child, "Eddy…Where have I been?" Turning to her left, she looked down into the eyes of her dearest, oldest friend, "It was so dark."

"A place not many have ventured…" Emelie said, placing three fags into Patsy's agape mouth lighting them faster than Saffy had ever seen someone light a fag before. For as long as she could remember Emelie had know that nicotine had a soothing effect on both her grandmother and her friend.

"In gram's knickers'…" Jane smiled at her recoiling grandmother; Edina hated the G word more than she hated anything in the whole world.

"Knickers?" Sitting on the end of Eddy's bed Patsy looked up at Emelie confused by Edina's reaction.

"Grams…" Emelie's eyebrow grew in height she hated how Jane taunted Eddy needlessly.

"Did you let her stay here last night? I told you see wasn't allowed to stay in this house." Saffy asked, glaring at her mother.

Throwing her hands in the air, in a motion of swearing innocence; "hardly darling, I didn't know she was there did I? Or did you not just see me recoil and expel air from my lungs in terror? Hmm…" Edina pursed her lips, "Well sweetheart…? Is that the normal reaction to have when you know someone's there?"

"It's what I feel like doing every time I come home." Jane said honestly.

"Well you know the solution to that don't you…?" Emelie smiled at her sister, as she dug through the bag she'd arrived with, "Mum does that really matter, clearly Patsy's traumatised…" Taking out a small bottle she placed to small pills in Patsy's hand.

"Cheers sweetie thanks a lot." Patsy tossed the pills back without hesitation.

Smiling at her youngest child, she rubbed her back, "You're right…"

"Mum!" Jane blurted.

"I wouldn't wish being buried alive under a pile of clean knickers, let alone…" She looked at her mother briefly, "on my worst," Looking to her right, Saffy stared at Patsy with intent, "enemy…"

"But mum, it's Patsy. She stayed here, near you, all night in our house."

"Our house…Our house..?" Edina looked at her eldest grandchild with great confusion, her face contorting into a scrunched look of complete and utter puzzlement. "Our house…" Flailing her arms around her she indicated the 'our', "We still live here, you're in emu-versity."

"It's university as in U-N and E-M…" Jane crossed her arms, her posture turning even more defensive than usual.

"I meant Emu… like the bird. You're all just a bunch of lanky small brained idiots all walking around burying your heads in the sands of education. All hovering in a flock in the giant holding pen of Un-i-bloody-versity, just so you can think you're above the rest of us common, hard working folk because you do three years of lectures and binge drinking and come out with a bunch of letters at the end of their name. Which by the way darling means nothing other than 'I have £27,000 pounds of debt for getting a degree in golf course management …' or something." Eddy looked around at the other women in the room, who looked somewhat confused by her outburst, "Yeah… So…stick that in your pipe and smoke it. Anway, there are two people who live in this house who like Patsy, so majority rules."

Patsy nodded, handing Eddy a cigarette, "Cheers Eddy…"

"Cheers Sweetie…"

"Mum!" Jane whined.

"Jane don't you have somewhere you have to be?" Saffy enquired exasperated by the past hour, "Digging a ditch? Examining a black hole…"

"Or falling in one?" Patsy and Emelie muttered in unison, making Edina laugh.

"How didn't you suffocate under all of that?" Jane bit, her tone bitter as her mother slid an arm around her shoulder. Her words meant to offend Patsy.

"She's practically dead, unfortunately, if there isn't much air that…" Saffy flicked her eyes to Patsy, "paragon of semi-taxidermy zombiehood still- lives-on…." Saffy explained her tone almost seemed to be disappointed by the lack of Patsy's ability to die.

"Mum!" Emelie's eyes widened, she knew that her mother and Patsy had never seen eye to eye but she'd never truly believed that her generally kind hearted mother would ever say such a thing in such a tone.

"It's not Patsy's fault she can't die easily sweetheart…" Edina scoulded.

Patsy nodded in agreement, "That experimental acupuncture I had in the sixties opened up every pore and orifice on my body."

"Patsy darling…" Edina sat next to her friend on the edge of the bed, as she addressed her daughter, "can breathe air without the physical drawn out process of breathing it sweetie…its very twenty first century."

"There are power bitches all over the world that envy my ability to breathe through the open pore on my little finger." Patsy held up her little left little finger.

"And how may I ask did you find out you could do that?" Jane eyebrows furrowed down into her nose in discontent for the company she was currently with. Jane had a limited relationship with her grandmother and definitely no relationship with Patsy, 'we have nothing in common' she continuously told herself. Unlike her little sister, Jane found it hard to make friends and forge relationships with anyone, this was mainly due to the fact she was a manipulative control freak but mainly because she had what Emelie called 'delusions of grandeur' and a whole lot of 'narcissism'. Jane regularly saw how Emelie was liked by everyone, their mother, grandmother, the grandmother's evil friend, people at their school, teachers, even Jane's own friends liked Emelie but Jane was happy in the knowledge that at least one person hated her sister; she did.

"How did I find out Eddy?" Patsy turned her head to her friend, as they pondered the many parties in their heads.

"Monaco?"

"No…"

"St Tropez? Hawaii…?"

"No definitely not…"

Edina scratched her head, "Oh… darling…" hitting her palm to her forehead, "That weekend with Charlie Sheen…"

"Wait… hold up." Emelie sat in between them, flicking her head to Patsy, "You and Charlie Sheen?"

"Oh yeah darling," Emelie turned to look at Eddy, "I lost her for a whole weekend to Charlieee Sheeen!" Edina took a drag of her cigarette, winking at her favourite young person, "She just went pfft!" Blowing of the smoke as to add dramatic effect, "Disappeared darling… only to emerge two days walking like she had rickets."

"Mmm…good times" Patsy nodded at the memory of two nights of no strings attached fun with the big CS.

"Mmmhmm sweetie… Do you remember all of us in the hot tub?" Eddy shook her chest, scrunching her face at the goodness of the memory.

"That's where the finger came in handy…" Patsy bent her little finger, laughing, her eyebrows dancing mischievously.

"I can't believe I know someone who has shagged Charlie Sheen. I'm sooo my-face-tweeting this…." Taking her phone from her bag Emelie typed, stopping sooner than expected, her face contorting in disappointment, "then again, everyone knows someone who's done Charlie Sheen." She looked between her two friends who nodded in agreement, the three shrugging in unison.

Saffy looked on at the three who quite clearly were bonded, her mind tossing between the ideas of whether it was good for her daughter to have a good relationship with her grandmother or whether it was a bad thing given the conversation she'd just taken part in over who had 'shagged' Charlie Sheen, whoever he may be. Saffy worried about her youngest child the most, from a very early age she'd come to realise that Emelie was older before her time, when she was little she mature for her age, she understood people and relationships, she could look after herself, cook, clean and care for others, she wasn't a child but a little person. Since Emelie was able to walk and talk she had been a free spirit, she was her own person, she knew her own mind, she was as loving as she was adventurous and had a very warm, hippie, optimistic, curious, friendly personality, and it was this that worried Saffy so much. Although she'd raised both her girls with the belief that drugs were wrong, smoking was bad for you and getting drunk was stupid, your body is sacred so on so forth; Saffy worried that with her care free nature Emelie could very easily fall victim into the world of her mother's 'hippie' lifestyle. She just prayed she never would.

"Mum…" Jane called, looking at her mother whose eyes were fixed on her little sister, Jane didn't like when he mum focused on Emelie. "Mum!"

"What?" A startled Saffy looked wide eyed at her eldest.

"Have you forgotten about the other hand?" Jane asked, as all the attention of the other four women landed on her.

Getting up from the bed Emelie walked with her mother back to where the other hand was situated.

"Eddy?"

"Pats?"

Patsy flicked a finger in Jane's direction, "Who is that?"

"You remember baby Lola?" Eddy queried.

"Saffy's kid with the good looking African moron?"

"That's the one… well sweetie, that's…" Eddy flicked a finger at Jane who stood with her arms crossed over her chest looking down over the pile at the hand. "baby Lola grown up and her name is Jane…"

Patsy grimaced, "I thought you sent it to live with him in Gabon."

"What?"

"Gabon."

"He wasn't from Gabon…" Edina's eyes narrowed, a strange sense of déjà vu taking over.

"He wasn't from Gabon?"

"No."

Patsy sighed, "Oh… how disappointing…"

"Anyway…" Eddy shook away her confusion, "her names Jane. Jane not Lola… Frankly I don't think she lived up to the name anyway."

"Yeah babe, she doesn't deserve it. We don't like her."

"The feelings mutual." Jane bit, her mother hugging her from the side.

.

Kneeling down by the hand Emelie thought about how it got there, how could it have got there? It was buried under three to four feet of underwear and clothes, if Eddy had killed someone last night under the influence of alcohol she never would have buried them that would be too much work for her she'd been sober.

"Is there any movement in the hand?" Saffy wondered.

"Hand?" Patsy blurted, rushing to Emelie's side.

"No life."

Standing over Emelie, Patsy looked down at the small hand which lay motionless, "Eddy..?" Beckoning her with a finger.

Edina stumbled to her friend's side, "Sweetie…"

"Sweetie…" Looking down and over her shoulder, Patsy fixed her blue eyes on those of Eddy's, muttering quietly, "did we kill someone?"

"No, no, no…" Eddy said convincingly to herself; the same confidence not filling the eyes of her friend. "Well alright I DON'T KNOW! I can't remember can I…?

"Oh I thought that was a good thing…?" Jane said smirking at her mother.

"It's your fault I can't remember…" Edina prodded Patsy's arm.

"How is it my fault?"

"Well what did you give me last night?"

"One of those new pills I got from Johnny."

"Johnny Fingers?" Eddy asked her eyes narrowing in contempt for Patsy's stupidity, "Christ, Patsy, it probably had drain cleaner in it…"

"No Johnny is good Eddy, he's got all the mod stuff babe."

"That's because he chucks a pile of chemicals he has in his house in a bowl and creates them in two minutes sweetie… That's the only mod thing about his produce." Eddy rolls her eyes, "Anyway when has it been illegal to find a seemingly lifeless person in your house in relatively suspicious circumstances?"

"Always!" Saffy and Jane said in unison.

"Oh well excuse me…." Eddy flopped onto a nearby chair.

"You don't have to answer to them Eddy." Patsy stated, taping her friend's shoulder with a comforting tap.

"She's right mum, you don't have to answer to us…" Patsy and Edina smiled at each other. "But the police…" Saffy smiled as their smiles turned into looks of panic, "they might find fault with, 'I can't remember how the lifeless body ended up under a pile of my huge granny knickers officer'."

"The fuzz Eddy…" Patsy's expression becoming wilder eyed than normal.

"That's got you worried." Jane taunted.

"Eddy!"

"Shut up Pats, I'm trying to think… think, think, think…" Eddy rocked in her seat trying to stir and idea on how to get them out of the situation.

"Pats?" Everyone looked down and ground level Emelie, "Do you have any A?"

"Ad?" Patsy asked, demonstrating what Emelie was asking for. Making the motion of get air out of a syringe and stabbing it into something before running around in a circle manically. Emelie nodded, her eyes twinkling with inspiration that flowed into Patsy, "That's a good idea…"

"Have a look in your bag…? Quickly…" Eddy hurried her long waving her arms.

"Where's my bag?"

Eddy sighed, "I don't know, where'd you leave it?" Patsy shrugged clueless, "Check the pile, quick, quick, quick…"

Patsy dives on the pile, throwing things back over her shoulder frantically, most of which hit Jane and Saffy. "Eddy!" Patsy yelled triumphantly pulling the bag out of the mess and out of the bag a little bottle and a syringe.

"Good, good… do it Pats."

"What are you two planning?" Saffy asked worriedly.

"Don't question me." Patsy said filling the needle with the clear liquid, flicking it to release the air bubbles. "Emelie…" Jumping to her feet Emelie ran further up the pile, digging through until she found what Patsy needed, standing behind her Patsy puts a arm around her shoulder, "That'll do nicely, brava sweetie, here hold this…" Saffy looked on in concern as the tall blonde that had plagued her life handed her daughter a little bottle.

"Oh, good make too…" Emelie commented.

Crouching down by the newly revealed body part Patsy smiled at what she saw, "that will do nicely indeed."

"What is that?" Saffy questioned.

"It's an arse cheek." Emelie said innocently.

"In the syringe? Idiot…" Jane sardonically.

"Adrenaline. Idiot." Emelie said scowling at her sister.

"Adrenaline?" Saffy asked rhetorically, her tone heightening in anticipation and Patsy plunged the needle into the non visible bum cheek.


End file.
